Looking Back

Looking down at my tiniest chicken, who is not so tiny anymore, I have let my mind wonder back to those first few days in the Kalispell NICU.  Scared. Rejoicing. And at such a loss as to where we go from here.  Those days were filled with tears.  Tears of joy for lives God saved.  Tears of fear of the unknown.  Tears of hope for a future.  Tears of sadness for the loss of a "plan".  Tears of faith, knowing God was in control.  Tears of surrender, handing that little life over to God.  

I remember thinking for the last couple weeks of my pregnancy "something just does not 'feel' right.  but I just HAVE to get through these next two weeks of school, meetings, church stuff, and family stuff."  When I finally DID slow down and actually go into my doctor little did I know that I would be seeing my tiny tiny chicken in just a few short hours.  

I was looking for something in a pile of papers today and I found a little scrap of paper that I have saved from just 3 days after Cole was born.  

"Oh Lord I praise You!!  Never did I think I would be here on this day!!  You are HOLY, POWERFUL, ALMIGHTY, MY FATHER!!!  Thank you for this gift, may I live up to its worth!!"

I am amazed at how God walked our little family through the weeks and months that proceeded.  I am even more amazed at His hand of protection and guarding my heart.  I have met so many people through the years that have advised me to "Go ahead and be angry with God.  He can take it."  I ask, "how? how can you look at the God of the universe, the one who spoke you into your very existence and be angry with Him?"  Now dont get me wrong, I have been madder than a hornet when things dont go my way or according to my plan, but to justify that and turn your anger at God, I just cant get my head around how that can be okay.  If we believe that God is sovereign (psalms 103:19), as the bible tells us, than how can we turn on Him in our hour of trial?  

Its almost like God was preparing me for what only HE knew was coming.  The following is a letter I wrote when I hit that 20 week mark.  

Almost there….Or are We? – 3/30/11

Nearly 20 weeks.  20 weeks of fear and joy.  20 weeks of apprehension and excitement.  20 weeks of hoping and praying.  20 weeks.

I am feeling your tiny body shift and twist.  Feeling your little kicks and your mean left hook.  Feeling your little life connected with mine.  Feeling.  Feeling you.  Feeling the wonderfulness that is your unique incredible little self growing inside of me.  Feeling.  Feeling feelings I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get to experience.  

Precious little one, there are no words to describe how blessed you are.  You have SO many friends and family here on this earth that pray for you night and day.  They lift up silent prayers for your safe arrival.  They sacrifice and petition on your behalf.  Precious little one, you are loved beyond comprehension.  Even I do not know the vast amounts of people who have been praying for you.  Covering your little sweet life with prayer.  I am overwhelmed Precious one.  

Your brothers and sisters are SO very excited for you to join them in this crazy family.  Yes we are crazy.  Hang on for THAT ride.  Daily they ask about you.  They want to know how big you are.  To see pictures of you.  To hear your little heart.  To feel your mean left hook.  They love you more than I can describe dear sweet one.  

Little one, I want you to know more than a Mom and Dad, Sisters and Brothers and countless other people who love you; you have a Father who loves you more.  So much more.  You see little one He is your maker.  He is your creator.  He is the one knit your intricate little life together.  He is the one who gave your heart reason to beat.  He is the one who spoke you into existence.  Don’t let science tell you otherwise.  Don’t let them cheapen who you are.  He is the reason you are STILL growing.  STILL flipping.  STILL jabbing me with your mean left hook.  When you breathe your first breaths He is the one who willed it into existence.  He is the only one in life that matters.  He is GOD.  Our Father.  Our Creator.  He is our Daddy.  And He loves you far beyond your wildest dreams.

Precious little one, your life is a miracle, just like your brothers and sisters.  You are blessed.  You are an amazing creation and please don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Don’t let them cheapen your life.  Remember always that this Daddy of yours chose in His infinite wisdom to give you life.  

I am overwhelmed little one.  I am overwhelmed that not only do I get to raise you, but I get to carry you inside me for another 20 weeks.  WE are blessed little one.  More than I can describe.  

And so my sweet precious baby, my prayer for you has changed over the last few months.  I started off so full of apprehension and prayed simply for your life.  Now my sweet little one, I pray that one day you will know this incredible Daddy personally and He can say "Welcome home my sweet precious baby."  and you can find the only love that matters.  His love.  

I know now more than ever that I am just HIs vessel and He is entrusting you to me.  I am overwhelmed and my heart is so full I think it may burst.  

I remember thinking of a title, and thinking to myself as I was righting what should have been my "halfway mark" letter to my wee one that I was not guaranteed even another week with this precious life inside.  I remember praying "Lord, I just want to be able to hold this little life.  I just want to be able to feel the little fingers and toes."  all the while knowing that it could end at any moment.  I never shared that with anyone, the scared feeling I had deep down.  Scared that this one would go up to be with my maker before he even had time on earth.  

Okay, sorry for the "debbie downer"  moment.  I am really just rambling, but I guess what I am trying to say here is...IF we believe that God is in control and has our best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11) then how can we question Him?  

Okay, enough rambling.  Here are some pictures of the chicken in question.  Every time I look at him I am amazed at what God has done.